Push and Pull - Taffy Puller

As a trans man, I am constantly forced into feminism and forced out of it at the same time. I feel like I'm taffy in a taffy puller, something to constantly stretch and pull until it's suitable to cisnormative ideas of gender.

Its satisfying to watch, to theorize my life from across the room. But I'm only wondering when it'll end. When will my life not be a concept flown around and instead actually acknowledged in its complexity?

Here's how it works:

Abortion and reproductive rights are being talked about, supposedly I'm being talked about here, because I'm impacted by this. In fact, it's harder for me to access when I'm perceived as a man. We're worried about access right? This conversation is about a part of my body, and applies to me, right?

That's the pull in. If I say it doesn't impact me, I'm seen as naive. My avoidance of reproductive health due to dysphoria was always seen as something to pity or make fun of me for. Get over yourself, it's what bodies do, it's what your body does.

But to be part of the conversation, to be seen at all in something I'm already forced into, I need to be misgendered. You know, for the sake of women. It's a women's issue, you understand, right? We don't want to take away from women or their voices by making this include men.

And with that I'm pushed out as soon as I allow myself to be pulled in. Woman when it suits you, man when it suits you, a non human blob that's constantly stretched and pulled across the room.

Cis women used to realize I'm trans and immediately talk about their periods with me while going “you get it, right?” And I'm pulled in. I mentioned that they made me dysphoric, I'm another man who's too emotionally immature to acknowledge a menstrual cycle, I'm pushed out.

I'm bisexual so I'm both a butch lesbian with internalized homophobia and a homophobic straight woman obsessed with yaoi. I have people stop and tell me which attractions I have are gay or straight, we both know that neither are actually acceptable to society at large. But for the sake of theory that doesn't need to reflect your life as a weird outlier, might as well make the distinction.

If you feel good about being transgender, that's good, that's great! But you can't feel that way about being a man. Any part of your body that you feel is affirming? Women have that too, it's silly to act like they don't. You're only reinforcing traditional gender norms. Femininity is so much better anyway, why be a gross stinky balding man when you were blessed with womanhood!

Oh, but trans men that want to be feminine, they're men but need to realize that no one's going to actually take them seriously. I mean, we may be able to misgender any trans person we don't like no matter how they look, but it's hard when you look so much like a woman.

Better not mention that you can have facial hair and wear feminine clothes at the same time. Is that gender conformity? Is it non-conformity? I have a pussy and I'm wearing a skirt, I'm doing gender correctly, right? The fact I barely ever do it out of fear for my safety is just my imagination, right?

I don't exist. When I do, no I don't. I'm supposed to blend in with the rest of cis people and enjoy male privilege. I'm a gender traitor or trying to be a victim by clinging to my agab. Clearly, this is incredibly similar to transmisogyny with how it relates to gender and being trans, but I'm not a trans woman so I can't call it that. I can't call it anything else either, I can't say anything about it. At least that's what I'm told from anyone but trans women.

Men don't shut up, be one of the good ones and shut up. You know, like a woman, but not… Huh, I wonder where all the trans men are. They must've been able to fall into the woodwork. This taffy tastes great.